What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:24
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was 9 years of age.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What misfortune led to an important discovery?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I have no regrets .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im still living with it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Was to survive, this bastard.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i lived it daily.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ive learnt so much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I said to her
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My life is so biszare .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Comes on , in middle age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!